Episode 19
“History will judge me harshly for turning a group of pseudo-ironic racists into tech startup hustlers,” said Sheldon. “It was just harmless fun.”
The morning broke cold and overcast in Rubes Lick. Cassie and Gulliver shivered as they walked, hands in pockets, past boarded storefronts toward the courthouse. It was iffy whether the rain would hold off until they found Sheldon or someone who had seen him.
“You’ve got to hand it to Nosey Parker for dreaming up Entreprezoo,” said Cassie. “Exactly zero of those startups will get funded, but Coz directs an army of trolls to post phony reviews for his online courses, and Nosey collects insurance payments to lodge them in what would otherwise be vacant rooms.”
“Hopping subculture is raging here,” said Gulliver. “I remember when head-hopping referred to aspiring novelists who enraged their editors by switching POV characters.”
“Eyehop may sound like just another hipster fashion brand, but I feel Navel’s hand in this,” said Cassie.
The breath of someone sleeping inside fogged the windows of a beat-up Toyota Camry parked on the street. Even in this backwater town, everyone was either hopping into another life to ride out the hopocalypse or joining the alt-lits who wanted to eliminate language and replace it with musical tones, emojis, or even subtle odors. Would Navel back a startup to study dogs and develop scent-based communication?
They passed several encampments of silence enthusiasts in Rubes Lick for the rally. “Noise abatement is a natural cause for the Piqued Librarians,” said Gulliver. “The Senior Shushers get an enthusiastic ‘hey kids get off my lawn’ chant going when they remember to show up.”
“The Shushers have good reason to protest,” said Cassie. “That fake Geriatric Times 8 Over 80 award for late-life innovators scammed a lot of them for stiff application fees.”
“I was surprised they didn’t equate the group size with the qualifier, like 30 Under 30 and the other ageist accolades,” said Gulliver.
“They asked the scammer about that in his trial,” said Cassie. “He said he workshopped it, and no one believed there are 80 entrepreneurs over 80 still kicking.”
Several hundred people gathered around a flatbed truck where the Tinnitus Society president spoke. A festive atmosphere prevailed.
“Tinnitus wants Congress to ban high decibel electronic amplifiers and megaphones,” said Gulliver.
“Didn’t Roman Fellow do an exposé about that?” said Cassie.
“A Noise Too Loud revealed that the National Bullhorn Association funds the Loud Boys. Tinnitus is suing Loudy MacLeod for battery causing serious bodily injury.”
“That charge will never stick,” said Cassie. “Loudy just needs some Tinnitus members who attended too many rock concerts to testify.”
“Look for the Loud Boys to break this rally up,” said Gulliver. “Sound is their disruptor of choice.”
“Speaking of Loud Boys, it’s too quiet,” said Cassie. “Where are the boomboxes and bullhorns? Do you think Sheldon screwed up by using Nosey’s persona for his Chad?”
“Nosey Parker is into growth hacking, not one-night stands,” said Gulliver. “That incel kid at the hotel was more excited about Entreprezoo than picking up girls.”
“There he is—that’s Sheldon.” Cassie pointed to a skinny kid sitting alone on the curb. “Time for Jordan Pathogen to talk him in.”
Cassie pulled an eyeglass case out of her shoulder sling backpack and passed it to Gulliver.
Gulliver put on the horn-rimmed spectacles. “Let’s hop.”
Alter Jordan shook his head, then stared directly at Cassie. “Where are we? Who are you?”
“It’s alright, Jordan. I’m a lesbian.” Cassie pointed to the kid crying on the curb. “We’re here to help Sheldon.”
Alter Jordan stared at the sobbing sad sack for a minute. “He’s probably angry that women are rejecting him.”
“It’s more than that, Jordan,” said Cassie. “Sheldon has been inciting violence that has already killed several women. He needs to turn himself in to stop a killing spree that is spiraling out of control. Go ahead and introduce yourself. He’ll listen to you.”
Alter Jordan stepped forward. “Hello, Sheldon. You seem like a nice guy who’s not having the success with women that you’d like. Would you like to talk about it?”
Sheldon kept his head buried in his hands. “Why would you listen to losers like me when nobody else will?” His barely audible response was muffled between sobs.
“Because I’m Jordan Pathogen, Sheldon.”
Sheldon lifted his head and looked at alter Jordan. “Really? The Loud Boys are big fans of yours. You look taller on your videos.”
“Camera angles play tricks, Sheldon. What got you into trouble?”
“I stole some technology that changes people’s personalities,” said Sheldon. “I thought if the Loud Boys hopped into Chads and tried to pick up Stacys, they would be mocked for being geeks out of their league. They would become enraged and go on a rampage.”
“That should work,” said alter Jordan. “What went wrong?”
“When I heard about those Ted Bundy copycat killings, I realized that I copied the wrong file,” said Sheldon. “At first, I thought it was a lucky break—create more carnage and chaos. My partner freaked. He said hopping Eyehop customers into cannibal serial killers would be bad for business. We found the right files and started using alter Nosey, but those murders are all on me.”
Sheldon pulled back on seeing Cassie walk up to join them.
“Don’t be alarmed,” said alter Jordan. “She’s a lesbian.”
“What happened to your Veteran’s Day shout-out?” said Cassie.
“The Loud Boys all hopped into a Nosey Parker persona and joined the Entreprezoo startup incubator,” said Sheldon. “I should have paid more attention when I partnered with Nosey. I might have noticed that he would rather post clickbait than hit on Stacys.”
“It’s perfectly normal for a guy to attack women instead of confronting his insecurities,” said alter Jordan. “You’re not a killer, Sheldon. You’re just accommodating your inadequacy to lack any introspection beyond self-pity.”
“You think so?” Sheldon wiped his eyes with his sleeve and began a rambling, self-loathing monologue, acknowledging that he was a loudmouth who refused to apologize for creating a hell of a racket. He recounted the pinnacle of Loud Boys camaraderie—the new member induction ceremony, reciting the names of five heavy metal bands while being tickled.
“Come with us.” Alter Jordan stretched his arms toward Sheldon and took a few steps forward. “Together, we can remedy these issues. Help you find a healthy approach to intimacy.”
“I was such a dumbass,” said Sheldon. “You don’t have to be a Chad to attract Stacys. All it takes is wealth and status.”
“Don’t beat yourself up, Sheldon,” said Cassie. “Even Osama Bin Laden doubted that a few terrorists with box cutters could destabilize the world’s most powerful country in a single act.”
“History will judge me harshly for turning a group of pseudo-ironic racists into tech startup hustlers,” said Sheldon. “It was just harmless fun.”
“You ignored your own formula for sexual marketplace value,” said Cassie. “Men value youth and beauty in a partner, but what Stacys value most is experience and status. Nosey Parker knows that. That’s why the Loud Boys who hopped into alter Nosey all joined Entreprezoo.”
“The lesbian speaks the truth,” said alter Jordan. “It’s easier to obtain dominion over female bodies with money and power than good looks and personality. Now stand up straight with your shoulders back, stop waxing philosophical, and accept the terrible responsibility of life with eyes wide open.”
Sheldon pulled a hopping kit out of his backpack. “I brought this to go out in a blaze of glory.”
“No, no!” Alter Jordan lunged at Sheldon.
Sheldon pulled back, avoiding alter Jordan’s grasp. He put on the glasses and shouted, “let’s hop.”
Alter Ted reached for the knife in his backpack—a replica of the one that the real Ted Bundy used to slash 12-year-old Kimberly Leach’s throat. He held it to his own throat.
Cassie called 911.
A stand-off ensued. For several hours, police cars and an armored personnel carrier surrounded the square. A SWAT team crouched behind their vehicles with guns drawn, aimed at alter Ted.
“Drop your weapon,” said the hostage negotiator through the same brand of megaphone that the Loud Boys favored.
Alter Ted brandished his knife and lunged toward Cassie.
The police cut him down in a hail of bullets.
Cassie filled Gulliver in on his alter Jordan adventure on the afternoon bus back to Charleston. “The police demonstrated a legitimate use for a bullhorn. Too bad the Loud Boys weren’t there to hear it.”
“I’m glad I missed it too,” said Gulliver. “Thanks for waiting until we got out of there before you unhopped me.”
Cassie’s phone beeped with a Nixle news bulletin. “Listen to this. Two tragic, same-day deaths in Appalachian town. Hours after police shot and killed a mentally disturbed man wielding a knife, a woman fell to her death from the 5th-floor window of a rehab facility. Police speculate that Sue Ellen Stoddard lost her balance while playing air guitar as heavy metal singer Lzzy Hale. The incidents were unrelated.”
“Makes you ponder,” said Gulliver. “Perhaps the Rubes Lick townsfolk were better off with their hardscrabble life.”
Cassie and Noah were closeted in Noah’s converted storage room in the Park Slope apartment.
“You must feel like Harry Potter living under the stairs, Noah.”
“Not at all. If Harry had this IKEA unit, he might never have left home. It’s a comfortable space for our therapy sessions. We need to make sure we’re all coping.”
“There’s a new surveillance thingy on the stoplight at the corner by Java Joe,” said Cassie. “The barista whispered to me that it monitors conversation right through the walls. Yesterday they installed one on our corner too.”
“We’re in the middle of the block,” said Noah. “We’re out of range.”
“Rubes Lick opened my eyes,” said Cassie. “Navel didn’t send us to take down Nosey Parker by coincidence. We need to find out what he is up to.”
“How is Gulliver holding up?” said Noah.
“He rationalizes that we just place signs that point toward scenic overlooks,” said Cassie. “What people do when they get there is up to them. But there was no poetic justice in that Jordan Pathogen hop. It was a seek and destroy mission. We’re losing the plot here.”
“Are you suggesting we scale back our poetic justice warrior projects?” said Noah.
“I’m uneasy about poetic justice turning into gangland hits,” said Cassie.
“Do you also have more personal concerns?” said Noah.
“I have my crosses to bear,” said Cassie.
“Let me be more specific,” said Noah. “Are you still seducing Gulliver’s alters?”
Cassie froze. “I, uh, I’m trying to quit. How do you know?”
“I’m a psychiatrist, Cassie. I am trained to notice these things.”
“At first, I was a modern-day Mata Hari,” said Cassie. “I tolerated the misogyny and bro culture in Gulliver’s alters to get them to spill their secrets. I’m not whoring around because it’s always with Gulliver. He knows about it. He’s cool with it. He just regrets he can’t savor the experience later.”
“Aren’t you concerned that you put the entire team at risk, dealing with some very dangerous people?” said Noah.
“I was concerned about that at first,” said Cassie. “But then I realized I like romancing these different people in the same body. It’s weird—kinky, even. After a rough alpha frat boy, a polite Midwestern kid is a real turn-on. Sort of like group sex—allegedly—but safe, you know? I can unhop him at will. As long as I can shout the unhop trigger, I can live every woman’s dream.”
“Once you got addicted—you do feel you’re addicted, right?” said Noah.
“Definitely.”
“Addicts continually escalate the risks to satisfy their addiction,” said Noah. “Perhaps you’re encouraging us to hop Gulliver into characters we don’t need to—even jeopardizing the mission—for a riskier, more exciting way to get off.”
“Oh, God, no,” said Cassie. “I mean, I don’t know, do I? I guess I’m also addicted to the compliments.”
“Your newfound ethical concern may be the realization that the poetic justice warriors have run their course,” said Noah.
“I don’t want to put our business at risk, but you’re right. I’ve got to stop being Gulliver’s minder. Maybe we should get Gord to do the hops.”
“We both know that’s not the answer,” said Noah. “We need to shut down the poetic justice business completely and take on the bigger challenge that I created—to eradicate hopping altogether. I warned you that hopping will crash civilization, and it’s already started.”
“I saw what it’s done to Rubes Lick,” said Cassie. “And to me.”
“Hopping is much more insidious than opioid addiction,” said Noah. “Celebrity wannabes are hopping into alter personas to audition for movie roles, entrepreneurs to get startup funding, TV evangelists to build a flock, and Dean Cozener, the dean of hustle culture, even sells a course on how to become a hopping coach. It’s all fed by the demand for cutting corners—to have it all now.”
“I can’t unsee those hoppers in cosplay huddled around barrel bonfires,” said Cassie.
“They will be happening on every street corner if we don’t shut it down,” said Noah. “Hopping has replaced believing that we’re living in a simulation. That trope just got too overworked. People realize that society is collapsing, and they can’t do anything to stop it. They hop into a new persona, hoping it will make the collapse less painful.”
“It was fun while it lasted.” Cassie’s eyes sparkled. “The combination of stealthy puzzles and the guilty pleasures of taking down some of the most arrogant, self-absorbed new age robber barons while working inside the bubble of Navel’s libertarian zealots. I still can’t believe some of the schemes we concocted that led them to self-destruct.”
“Success emboldens us,” said Noah. “The excitement masks the damage it’s doing. We’re as reckless as unregulated Wall Street bankers. When you pull off a risky move in the face of impossible odds, that should be a warning not to do that again.”
“But we double down on risk since we’ve already gotten away with it,” said Cassie.
“If we don’t change our ways, it’s just a matter of time before we suffer the same fate as Sheldon or Sue Ellen,” said Noah. “We can’t just stop hopping. We need to eradicate it worldwide.”
“I expect Gulliver and Gord will agree,” said Cassie. “Navel has moved back to the States and wants us to visit his new headquarters. That’s our opportunity to convince him of the danger and get him to choose a side.”